4 Characteristics of a Great Dad

mattsledge / Flickr

Scripture is replete with good and bad examples of of fathers. In Judges, both Eli and Samuel were dedicated priests but defective parents. In contrast, we do find some outstanding examples of what a good father is like. Consider Zebedee whose two sons, James and John, became disciples and Apostles. What did he do that proved so constructive to his children? Consider these four characteristics.

First, he influenced his sons by his presence. Matthews' Gospel tells us that they worked together. Every child needs time with his or her father. We only influence people when we spend time with them. The idea that quality time is a legitimate substitute for quantity time is a myth. So, for you fathers, are you spending time with your kids? Remember, you only have a limited season to influence your kids, then the opportunity is gone.

Second, he imparted his values. He taught them how to work and how to work together. He taught them how to solve problems, plan, and make decisions. He showed them how to put God first in everything. 

Third, he was involved in his sons' lives. By this, I mean more than just being present. He was so involved that his sons were known as "the sons of Zebedee." Also they were called "the sons of thunder" which for better or worse demonstrated his influence because of his involvement. In the words of Cat Stevens, "I want to be like you dad, I want to be just like you." My attitude was always if my kids turn out bad, it was because they spent too much time with me and not from a lack of time.

Finally, he taught his children to be independent. Our goal should be to lead each child from total dependence upon us to a total dependence upon the Lord. As we help them on the pathway to independence from us, we need to give them two things: roots and wings. "Roots" represent security, identity, and the sense that they belong. They are loved unconditionally. "Wings" say you can spread your wings and fly! You can become whatever God wants you to become. We will be there to help you, encourage you, and facilitate your pressing on to maturity.

What lessons have you learned about parenting from your parents or by being a parent yourself? 

6 Reminders about Time from the Last Rose of Summer

The Last Rose of Summer

King Solomon attempted to put life in perspective when he wrote, "There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Moses prayed,  "So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom" (Psalm 90:12). And Jesus, commenting on His earthly days (and ours as well), advised, "We must work the works of Him who sent Me as long as it is day; night is coming when no one can work" (John 9:4).

Earlier today, I shot a photo of the last rose growing in our flower garden. Over the spring, into the summer, and now with the fall under way this flower finally makes its magnificent entrance onto planet earth. It will be here momentarily then just as quickly as it appeared, it will fade away. Meteorologists are telling us that early this week in Kansas City, we will have the season's first visit of Arctic air and the temperature will dip into the low 20s. Goodbye rose!

Between Scripture and the garden, I find some life-lessons that I want to be mindful of. 

1. Each of us lives in the present. Cherish the time God gives. It will not last. It will move hastily on. We cannot slow time down. We all live in the present.

2. As we live in the present, we also live in community. Even there, each of us is in a different stage of life. I glance over to watch my grandson and see his mother (my daughter) walk across the room. It seems like yesterday that she was the grandchild and I was the parent. We are together but find ourselves at a different stage of life. And time races on.

3. Life passes all too quickly. I recently saw a portrait of Philadelphia from the late 1800s in "Historic Pics" on Twitter. What stood out for me was that everyone in the photo (which captures a moment in time) is now deceased. Life was here and now it is gone.

4. We should do all we can to display the reality and goodness of God while we have opportunity. We never know when the present opportunity is the last we will have. Even the last rose of summer (or fall), declared God's glory even for only a moment...and then it is gone.

5. In the end, life is over. I have said many times, there is nothing so sure as death and nothing so unsure as the time. All of us have a date with death from this life when we will step into eternity.

6. If we really embrace the reality of the brevity of life and the infinity of eternity, would we not choose to live differently? Does Hebrews not teach us, "it is appointed unto man to die and after that the judgment?" And if we will be judged, should we not live our lives in light of that inevitable appointment? 

Even as the last rose fades, I am reminded that we will too. So, like the rose, let's live our moment in the sun to display the beauty God intended.

5 Assumptions of Prayer

Luke 18:1 states that Jesus taught His disciples that "at all times they ought to pray and not lose heart (give up)." In fact, the challenge is for us "to cry to Him day and night." Jesus concludes that God the Father will will bring justice quickly, then asks a salient question: "when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?" In other words, will He find His people praying and trusting, or complaining with despair?

I’d like to remind us all, myself included, of prayer's assumptions.

1. God is God of the universe. He created it and sustains it with purpose. By sending His Son to earth, God initiated His desire for reconciliation with all humanity. With reconciliation comes relationship, and with relationship comes both responsibility and privilege. Prayer is both.

2. We as humans live in a world of multiple planes. The horizontal is what we see. The vertical is what we do not see. The vertical controls the horizontal. The spiritual controls the physical and social.

3. Here is where prayer steps in. Every concern should be lifted to God in prayer. Every challenge should be a matter for prayer. If something is big enough to worry about, it is big enough to pray about. Every opportunity should be processed through prayer. Every hurt and insecurity and perceived injustice should be taken to The Lord. Every problem, decision, and plan should be laid before The Lord. That is how God designed us to live.

4. We were created to live in harmony with God's will. How can we do His will if we do not know it? Should we not go to Him and ask what it is that He wants? Yes, much of His will is found in His Word. But, the specifics of our lives on a day by day basis depend on our asking.

5. Prayer, intense focused prayer, can change the direction and trajectory of our lives personally, corporately, our families, churches, communities, and even society as a whole. There is no issue that God is unable or unwilling to resolve. But He waits for us to ask. We should pray and not give up. We should pray day and night. We should be a people who are known for our faith and for our prayers!

10 Steps to Take Before Conflict Arises at Your Church

Last week I had the privilege of speaking to a group of church leaders in Nashville on the subject of church conflict. As a survivor of conflict, I shared with them insights I gained from the situation I faced. I want to share them with you.

1. Do not say it cannot happen to you. I am convinced that no matter how strong and influential you and your congregation might be, Satan can orchestrate conflict. I remind myself, if it can happen to Jonathan Edwards after 24 years as the pastor in Northampton, it can happen to anyone.

2. Take all threats seriously. When someone says, "I will ruin you," believe that is his or her intention. Then, take every step you can to deal with it. Ignoring it will only allow things to get worse.

3. Take pre-emptive steps. Pastors can do three things to minimize potential conflict. First, clarify expectations on the front end. If you have a way of doing things, or you will not come unless certain conditions are agreed upon, then put that in a "Memorandum of Understanding" and have the church vote on that when they vote on you. Unclarified expectations can be potentially volatile. Second, communicate demographic realities. Let the folks know what is happening and why. Third, update your Constitution and Bylaws to preclude being vulnerable to unwarranted attacks.

4. Make sure you are insured. An umbrella liability policy is relatively inexpensive and can be a life-saver in the midst of threats. This can offer a measure of security against potential financial ruin.

5. Retain the services of a good attorney. Have them do a risk profile on you and your church when things are going well. This can minimize potential threats to your congregation. (I can refer you to an attorney who does this if you contact me). I know for myself, especially when the attacks began, attorney Larry Crain, an Associate with the ACLJ, was a God-send.

6. Retain the services of a good counselor. Fortunately, I am married to one of the best counselors I know. Still, a sound Christian Counselor can be invaluable. Keeping everything bottled up inside of you is a recipe for disaster. Get a professional listening ear to help you process what you are experiencing.

7. Do not leave until God says so. Too many ministers resign and run at the first sign of trouble. Stay put until God tells you otherwise.

8. Here are some specific things that helped me: a supportive wife and family, confiding in close friends, journaling daily, praying in specifics, and constantly remembering that God is ultimately in control.

9. Forgive. You do not have to forget, but the refusal to forgive will place you in a self-imposed prison and life is too short to waste it there. Forgiveness is a choice not an emotion.

10. Finally, remember Genesis 50:20 where Joseph told his brothers,"What men meant for evil, God meant for good." God can use adversity to prepare you for greater ministry if you will respond to it appropriately. Keep you eyes on Him and trust Him with your future!

The Unspoken Tension Between (Some) Pastors and (Some) Laity: A Reflection And Commentary

I am speaking to the Great Commission Research Network meeting at Lifeway in Nashville on Wednesday and this blog contains part of the material I will share.

I recently read a blog and a response to it by two men for whom I have great respect, Thom Rainer and Rod Martin. Rainer wrote a blog entitled "The Unspoken Tension Between (Some) Pastors and (Some) Laity." Martin penned a response which contributed two additional insights to the discussion.

Rainer's thesis was that a growing tension exists between some pastors and some laity in churches across America. The tension, he maintains, is not pervasive but it is growing. He suggested that it is like a family secret that no one mentions explicitly, but many speak around it and near it. And, he concludes, this tension is growing. Then he observes, "this tension is one of the effective tools used by Satan to distract from those things that are of Kingdom importance." He then relates what each side is saying. 

Pastors complain of critical people: the silent majority which allows the problems, the apathetic members who do nothing, and the self-serving who take advantage of the situation. He then assesses that ministry is messy and pastors have to relate to imperfect people. Noting that the disgruntled crowd is usually small, he reminds pastors that God called them to love the unlovely unconditionally.

From the lay perspective, there are complaints of autocratic and abusive pastors, non-leading pastors, change-agent pastors who want to make too many changes too rapidly, non-pastoral care pastors, and pastors who are poor preachers. Rainer's ultimate solution is for everyone to focus on the needs and concerns of others rather than their own needs. And to be self-giving and sacrificial. He urges all parties to embody Philippians 2:3-5: “Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus.” 

Martin suggests that Rainer may have missed two icebergs crashing into our churches both centered in the pulpit. He suggests that many pastors do not understand the world we live in and as a result do not address critical issues especially from a soundly Biblical context. Coupled with that is the fact that way too many pastors refuse to call, especially the men, to anything that matters. How can men be change agents for the better in a corrupt and broken world? Pastors need to rise up and lead men to address these needs! 

I agree with what both of these men have written, but more can be said. In fact I can easily see one or more books addressing these issues.

My first thought when I read Rainer's blog was to blurt out, "better unspoken tensions than outright conflict." I pastored a church that went into a full-blown war, a "perfect storm" might be a better description. From my vantage point, here is what I saw. Maybe you can learn from my experience (nightmare might be a better word).

First, I believe three root causes were present. It started with unclarified expectations. During the conflict, I received a letter from one of my antagonists the heart of which stated, "when you came here, we wanted a preacher, not a leader." She said more than she meant to. After two decades we still were working off different assumptions and different expectations.

Added to that was the rapidly changing demographic of the area where our church was located. Ten years before the conflict, a demographic specialist told me that the demographics within the church's field of ministry were changing and we needed to change our ministry or change our location.  "If not," he cautioned,  "you will lose people to upward social mobility and you will be blamed for it." He was right. And that is the subject for another time.

A third root cause was an outdated and faulty Constitution and Bylaws. Ours did not have safeguards to preclude the unfolding disorder.

Coupled with the root causes was a complex mindset displayed by those that launched the attack. Here is my take.

1. A naive mentality was present. Music preferences were raised to conviction levels. When we started a contemporary service, I heard that we had let the devil's music into the church. These criticisms came from people who did not even attend these services.

2. I saw an owner's mentality. A small group, an old guard, most of whom lived around the church were dead set against us talking to a major business about the possibility of selling some of the church's land. They did everything possible to stop this proposal from coming to the church for discussion or vote. Their argument was "we don 't want to sell God's land." The truth is, that should have been a church decision. 

3. I saw an entitlement mentality. Sadly, the mindset was, "we have been here the longest. This is our church." For whatever reason, the notion that the entire church should have due deliberation did not matter.

Coupled with this was a Messiah mentality on the part of a few of their leaders. These people literally attempted to usurp leadership that God never gave them. And we had no way to stop this effectively.

I also saw a bully mentality. Repeated lawsuits, disruption of worship services, anonymous letters, accusations without facts, and a cheap-shot website with no owner (looped through a foreign country, with multiple anonymous blogs and articles) all added to the disarray. It is hard to disprove negative accusations.

A carnal mentality was also present. A rampant disregard for Biblical imperatives ran rampant. It was disheartening.

A gullible mentality ran with this as well. A small well-coordinated group master-minded the whole conflict. A lot of good but gullible people believed everything that was thrown out. It is sad when good people get manipulated and do not ever know or even realize what is happening.

Finally, I saw a small to medium-sized church mentality (using categories established by McIntosh and Kellar). I am all for small churches, but when a church grows, there comes a time when the management/leadership style has to change or the church finds it impossible to continue growing. One authority on church health noted that as churches grow, ministers must give up doing all the ministry and members must surrender making all the decisions. If this does not happen, the result is burnout for the ministers and chaos for the congregation.

Years after the conflict is over, the abiding question is "is the church better off?" I still have a sadness in my heart for what might have been.

Run to Win

Photo by Juan-Carlos Lagares

Last week, I wrote about running the Virginia 10-Miler road race and shared some observations. I'd like to continue that stream of thought in today's blog. 

One of my favorite PhD seminars was the Life and Letters of Paul taught by Professor Jack MacGorman. Besides giving great attention to exegeting the Pauline literature, we also gave attention to the incredibly complex cultural context in which Paul penned his epistles. Paul, no doubt was a sports fan and as such alluded to athletic contests for illustrative purposes. In 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, he alludes to running and boxing specifically, and sports in general. He refers to the competition and uses it as a metaphor and analogy for the Christian life and ministry.

Paul opens this passage by noting the obvious, "Do you not know that all who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize?" Then, he begins to make application: "run that you may win... exercise self-control...run with an aim (with intentionality)... box without beating the air (make your punches count)...discipline your body (make it your slave)...." All this Paul says is for the dual purpose of receiving the imperishable wreath (God's reward for faithful service) at God's judgment in the future, and remaining qualified to serve in the present. Even as great as Paul was, he was constantly concerned that he might live in such a way that he would not be disqualified for ministry. 

So what does that say to you and me? Here are three insights.

1. Because life is like a race, we need to run (live) in such a way that we are winners.  We can strive for the things that pass away or the things that matter for eternity. Paul says opt for the latter. By the way, Jesus said in Matthew 6:33, "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you."

2.  If we are going to be winners, we must exercise self-control. Embracing self-   discipline, having an attitude of deferred gratification, learning how to resist and run from temptation, and refusing to let human desires get out of control are all important components.

3.  Being intentional in our lives, working to accomplish things that benefit people and honor God are all important. By the way, from my perspective, Christians in general and ministers particularly have only two assignments: we prepare people for death, and we equip people for life. We should be intentional with both. So, what do you intend to do?

Here is the bottom line. Don't waste your life. Run to win!

Jesus Came to Build His Church

“And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.” Matthew 16:18

This text is rooted in a play on words between "little stone" and "bedrock." Peter is the former and the truth of Who Jesus is constitutes the latter. Peter had just made the declaration, "You are the Christ the Son of the Living God." After Jesus' responsive affirmation of blessing--"Blessed are you Simon Bar Jonah for flesh and blood has not revealed this unto you but My Father in Heaven"--Jesus makes His magnificent declaration. "I will build My church and the gates of Hell (Hades) will not prevail against it."  Here is another reason why Jesus came...to build His Church!

The Scripture is not saying that the Church will be built by or upon Peter, but rather it will be built upon the truth of what Peter proclaimed. Peter had confessed Jesus' true identity. He (Jesus) is the foundation upon which the Church will be built. In the words of F.F. Bruce, "what matters here is not the stature of the confessor, but the truth of the confession" (see The Hard Sayings of Jesus, p.143). Peter declares Who Jesus is, and  Jesus declares that He Himself will build His Church.

Notice in this passage that not only is Jesus' true identity revealed, but His work is likewise unveiled. He will build His Church. This is the first time the New Testament mentions the word, "Church." This word in the Greek text, comes from combining two smaller words, "to call" and "out of." The word "Church" literally means "the called out ones." All those who have heard God's invitation and responded constitute the "Church." 

Jesus goes on to describe the Church's invincibility, "and the gates of Hades (or Hell) will not prevail against." Though some see this as a straight forward declaration that Jesus will not allow the devil and his forces destroy the Church, I believe Jesus is actually pointing to another and equally true reality. Gates are for keeping people and possessions in, or people and possessions out. "Hades" is the normal word for death and the grave. Here, Jesus is declaring that not even the power of death will be able to halt the building of His Church. 

True, God's intention is to build the Church upon Jesus, but He will use people all through history as His instruments. Can He use you?

3 Stages to Redeeming Your Time: Solve problems, Make Decisions, Plan Effectively.

Work consists of three primary activities: problem solving, decision making, and planning. In his book 30 Days to Confident Leadership Bob Biehl shares a method of time management built around these three aspects of work. I use Biehls' method when I teach my PhD students how to more effectively manage their time. Today I'm sharing with you the important steps to take and questions to ask to ensure that you are making the most of your time at all three stages.

1. Problem solving. This is past oriented. What went wrong? A problem is something that went contrary to expectations. It is often manifested in what I like to call "the law of unintended consequences." Dr. Phil often puts it this way, "how's that working for you?" Point: it's not.

When Solving Problems:

• Learn to ask questions.
• Ask, in one sentence, "what is the problem?"
• What are the facts related to this problem?
• Why does the problem exist?
• Who can help me solve this problem?
• What resources can I bring to bear on this problem?
• Of all the potential solutions, which has the greatest potential to be right?
• What policy would keep this problem from recurring?

2. Decision making. This is oriented toward the present. It determines what we do right now. I think of this in terms of forms. Moral decisions are between right and wrong. Wisdom decisions are between wise and foolish actions or words. Priority decisions are choices between that which is good, better, or best. Of course decisions are all predicated on what you want to be, accomplish, or avoid.

When Making Decisions:

• Pray for wisdom.
• Gather your facts.
• Ask, "what are my alternative decisions?"
• Ask, "what are the consequences of each decision?"
• Ask, "who will be affected?"
• Ask objective third parties for feedback.
• Ask, "am I setting a precedent?" or "am I following a precedent?"
• Ask the "what, why, who, where, when and how much" questions.
• Ask, "what if no decision is made?"

3. Planning. This is future oriented. It determines what you want to accomplish. It is a predetermined course of action directed toward a desired result. It manifests itself in goals. We see this often in "to do" lists.

When Planning:

• Pray and ask God, "What do you want me to accomplish?
•  Write out what you would like to see accomplished.
• Be specific.
• Write the goal so that results can be measured.
• Seek appropriate help.
• Ask, "am I willing to pay the price?"
• Ask yourself, "why do I want to reach these goals?"
• Ask, "what will happen if I do not achieve these goals?" What is at stake?

Which aspect of time management is the most challenging for you? Do you ever skip one of these steps? 

Time to Move 2

                                     

Last week I wrote a response blog to John Barner's "When Is It Time to Look for Another Place of Ministry?"  I would like to continue my thoughts on that specific question. First, I want to share seven truths about God’s heart regarding ministry transitions and then I want to share four steps to knowing it is time to move.

7 Truths about God’s Heart

1.    God blesses faithfulness. Scripture teaches that the person who is faithful in that which is least will be made ruler over much. When a servant is diligent, disciplined, and determined, one should not be surprised that God honors that servant with greater responsibility.

2.    God always prepares us before He uses us. So, the question might be, how has God prepared you for your next assignment? What new work has He done in you? What new challenge has He taken you through?

3.    God takes us or calls us somewhere as a general principle. Only rarely does He simply takes us away from an existing set of uncomfortable circumstances. Yet on occasion, He does just that.

4.    God uses the usable servant. The question we must ask ourselves is "am I usable?" Is there anything in me that is prohibiting the Lord from using me, or you? Is there anything in us that The Lord is waiting on us to correct?

5.    Sometimes, God puts us into what appears to be a holding pattern because He is intentionally freeing us up to do something else which by hindsight is of great if not monumental importance. I think of Jonathan Edwards' termination at Northampton after serving the church for 24 years. In what appeared to be his exile to Stockbridge, he wrote some of his greatest works. He had time to think and write--something he could not have done had his unfortunate circumstances not transpired.

6.    If we will be faithful, God will be responsible to get us where He wants us. It is of great importance for us to be patient and to keep our eyes focused on God in whose hands our lives reside.

7.    Finally, pragmatically, we must ask ourselves the question, "Did I complete the assignment God gave me when I accepted my last responsibility? If not, why do we think that God will let us leave? Ought we not complete what we start? Now that does assume cooperation on the part of those God called us to lead.

How do you know God wants you to move?

1.    The first indicator that God wants you to move is that He places a restlessness in your Spirit that He is going do something new in you and through you.

2.    Next, when you have a peace that you are supposed to be somewhere else and the door opens, you can assume that God is orchestrating the unfolding events. Sometimes, however, He tests you to see if you are willing to go and it is not His will that you go. Recall Abraham's offering of Isaac. The issue was the heart and the willingness.

3.    When the church or ministry, for whatever reason, chooses not to follow your leadership, you do not need to stay. That from my perspective is an exercise in futility.

4.    Finally, you need to move on when your staying does more harm than good.

Remember this, you only have so many days of your life to invest in ministry. Do not waste what God has allotted to you. Remember Psalm 90:12. At the same time, do not leave until God tells you to go. How do you know? There is an overwhelming sense of peace that "this is the right thing to do." Caution, you may not emotionally want to go...or stay...still, the key is "peace" about what is "right." Recall Philippians 4:6-7. Trust God with all your heart and He will guide you!

Time to Move

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Like so many other people, I have been greatly encouraged over the years by the work of Focus on the Family. This past week I read an article by one of their writers, John Barner entitled, "When Is It Time to Look for Another Place ofMinistry?" He begins by noting the present high turnover in today's church world which he describes as "alarming to say the least."  If his latest set of stats are accurate and the average minister is only staying about two years in one place, the trend is getting progressively worse.

Barner goes on to say that a variety of reasons can account for the extreme turnover rate. His initial explanations revolve around two observations. He suggests, first, that some pastors are simply not equipped to deal with conflict--hence, they leave--or, that pastors are looking to better their standard of living with its added influence and recognition. Hence, they leave. Barner then asks, should the trend and whatever motives are driving them be viewed as good, bad, or indifferent? After acknowledging that sometimes ministers are running from situations they should have stayed with, and therefore are running from what God intended for their good and their growth, he concedes rightly that there are legitimate reasons when moving is the right thing to do.

Barner's 3 reasons for moving on:

1.    When leaders in the church are unwilling to negotiate on important issues.

2.    When his family is adversely affected due to abusive and demanding tactics of ungodly opponents--this which should be considered absolutely unacceptable.

3.    If the church cannot or will not take care of the minister's financial needs.

My initial response is to "Amen" what Barner wrote and offer some additional observations and considerations.

1. Determine the purpose in the pastorate. Sometimes, a seminary student is serving a small congregation that has for years demonstrated unhealthy dynamics. Leaving there for any of the given reasons seems perfectly acceptable. Nevertheless, the question needs to be asked, "What is God's purpose in this place for the church and the minister?"

Years ago in my first pastorate I had a difficult situation arise with an obstinate leader. Dr. James Eaves gave me some advice: "Determine if this is a long term assignment from God for you. If yes, you'll need to use dynamite to remove the stump; if not, just plow around him knowing that your days there are numbered." Good advice.

Yet, I am very much aware that any great work for God may take years of commitment and the pastor or minister who is not invested in the long haul will very likely be perceived as a hireling rather than a shepherd. It is a risky decision to put down roots with a congregation. So, what can be done to maximize the potential long-term successful relationship between pastor and people?

2. Be thoroughly honest in the interview phase. Coupled with that, I encourage my students to draw up a "memorandum of understanding" with a new congregation which the entire church approves when the new pastor is called. This minimizes any misunderstandings. Sadly, I have seen search committees make promises to pastors they do not have the authority to keep. In the process of leaving a pastorate where I had served for over two decades, I received an interesting letter from a naive but well-meaning lady. In the midst of conflict, she wrote me and said, "when you came, we wanted a preacher, not a leader who would make changes." In a nutshell, here are seeds of misunderstanding planted years before that returned to bear some bitter fruit. Longer tenures in pastorates build stronger churches in the long haul. These start with clear understandings with the pastor and congregation on the front end.

In my next post I'll address this question: "When is it time to leave?"